now and later.

the gift of hindsight is a very strange thing.

in memoriam of days yesteryear, i've experienced more than my fair share of personal growth. granted, i'm no more than slightly over a quarter century old at the time of writing and many would (rightfully) express that i've many more years left of self-discovery, yet i can't help but notice specificities in those around me that remind me of myself, though myself reminiscent of a time long since passed. this difference though, however slight, creates a very interesting dichotomy - kay in early twenties, versus kay during mid-twenties.

now for specifics.

when i was in my early twenties, i constantly felt as though i had something to prove. i had a pretty solid idea of who i was, but that wasn't nearly enough. as some sort of bizarre, adolescent interim solution, i developed a nasty little habit during those times that make me cringe even as i think about it now - i developed a habit of "picking up" (but mostly feigning) interests that were largely those of surrounding company at the time, truly believing those were my thoughts and my interests (though honestly, i probably could not have cared less). i even went to extravagant lengths to prove to the group and to myself that they truly and really were my interests; in a time of livejournal and myspace, my about me, interests, music and etc would constantly change every time i joined a new circle of friends or involved myself with a new male interest. it was as though it wasn't enough to just tell myself that i now loved this band or loved that book, i had to somehow proclaim to the online masses that i now really loved these bands and these books through mass internet updates, as if that somehow verified my true affinity for whatever it happened to be at the time.

i say this now, given the gift of hindsight and seeing more clearly through an older, wiser pair of eyes. it's strange, seeing these things and these actions of a younger self being put on show by others and recognizing yourself within them - it evokes a very strange and confusing combination of self-loathing, compassion (for both others and yourself) and annoyance at the outside guilty parties.

hm.

i guess i haven't quite figured out how to deal with the above concoction for disaster quite yet - maybe the gift of hindsight hopefully might solve that one, too. Read more!

uncertainty in a time of decline.

when there's everything to say, but nothing can be said. Read more!

thanksforbringingitupgiving.

today the mother comes into town. in just a little shy of an hour, i'll be leaving to pick her up from lax only to endure an awkward five days with her, filled with questions, doubt, suspicion and likely disappointment - the usual motherly cocktail.

i digress.

it's surreal spending thanksgiving in another town, particularly one as dense and as populated as los angeles. the last several thanksgivings i can remember were spent alone or with one other close friend aimlessly wandering around a seemingly dead city since most of my 20-something neighbors all had family to go home to for the holidays. the usual hard-pressed-to-find-a-parking-spot streets are empty - even the bums are nowhere to be seen.

switch now to downtown la - thanksgiving day 2008 ends up sunny, much to the dismay of the rain that's flooded the streets of our beloved city over the last day and a half. being downtown where the majority of the shopowners are of ethnic origin, the shops are open and just as busy as ever - each storefront seems to feature some extravagant display busting at the seams full of imported, knock-off goods. and the shoppers, they're out too; shopping totes in tow, children biting at their parents heels begging for every toy their beady little eyes happen upon. noting these details, stands in such stark contrast to the pacific northwest thanksgivings i'd grown used to. i've traded in my grey, wet, empty and unforgiving streets for sun, traffic (even on a thanksgiving day), and neighbors who both don't understand and don't care what all this fourth-thursday-of-november fuss is about.

to this, i say: to new beginnings.


(lunch today) Read more!

morning tea.

hope everyone's having a wonderful tuesday.

Read more!

should (probably) be asleep.

bathe in the cuteness that is this cashmere bunny (found on a fellow blogspot blog):



i'd like to imagine he should keep me warm on those exceptionally bluster-laden winter nights. Read more!

b.i.a.

don't hate me, i know it's been far too long since i've posted anything.

but, i've thought about it some, and i'm going to re-purpose this as more of a personal blog where i'll update when appropriate and post little quips here, there, every now and again.

the first of these entries to follow soon. Read more!