now and later.

the gift of hindsight is a very strange thing.

in memoriam of days yesteryear, i've experienced more than my fair share of personal growth. granted, i'm no more than slightly over a quarter century old at the time of writing and many would (rightfully) express that i've many more years left of self-discovery, yet i can't help but notice specificities in those around me that remind me of myself, though myself reminiscent of a time long since passed. this difference though, however slight, creates a very interesting dichotomy - kay in early twenties, versus kay during mid-twenties.

now for specifics.

when i was in my early twenties, i constantly felt as though i had something to prove. i had a pretty solid idea of who i was, but that wasn't nearly enough. as some sort of bizarre, adolescent interim solution, i developed a nasty little habit during those times that make me cringe even as i think about it now - i developed a habit of "picking up" (but mostly feigning) interests that were largely those of surrounding company at the time, truly believing those were my thoughts and my interests (though honestly, i probably could not have cared less). i even went to extravagant lengths to prove to the group and to myself that they truly and really were my interests; in a time of livejournal and myspace, my about me, interests, music and etc would constantly change every time i joined a new circle of friends or involved myself with a new male interest. it was as though it wasn't enough to just tell myself that i now loved this band or loved that book, i had to somehow proclaim to the online masses that i now really loved these bands and these books through mass internet updates, as if that somehow verified my true affinity for whatever it happened to be at the time.

i say this now, given the gift of hindsight and seeing more clearly through an older, wiser pair of eyes. it's strange, seeing these things and these actions of a younger self being put on show by others and recognizing yourself within them - it evokes a very strange and confusing combination of self-loathing, compassion (for both others and yourself) and annoyance at the outside guilty parties.


i guess i haven't quite figured out how to deal with the above concoction for disaster quite yet - maybe the gift of hindsight hopefully might solve that one, too. Read more!


uncertainty in a time of decline.

when there's everything to say, but nothing can be said. Read more!